Quote of the Day

“Do not then spend the strength of your zeal for your religion in censuring others. The man that is most busy in censuring others is always least employed in examining himself.”

– Thomas Lye

How To Be A Miserable Comforter Part 2

In one of yesterday’s posts, we noted the atrocious counsel of Job’s friends and learned how not to counsel others who are in the valley of suffering. Today, let’s look for a moment at the one thing these three men did right. Here’s what the sacred text says (pay special attention to the last sentence):

Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, they came each one from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite; and they made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and comfort him. When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great. (Job 2:11-13).

Let them know you care by simply being there. The one thing these friends did that contributed to Job’s comfort in his time of great trial was to offer him their silent presence. I’m convinced as biblical counselors—myself included—that we simply don’t recognize how powerfully our quiet presence can minister to someone in their deep valley of grief. When someone you love loses someone they love, it can be powerfully therapeutic to them (in the best sense of the word) to carefully close your mouth, open your ears, and perhaps even offer a tender touch if it is appropriate. In your grief ministry, be sure to take time to truly weep with those who weep (Rom 12:15). Don’t be too quick to offer “answers.” Let them cry. Allow them to even be numb for a brief time. Pray for them. And pray for yourself to speak wisely when the time is right.

When the time is right, speak, but speak with wisdom and grace. Quiet presence is an important part of our ministry to one another in times of loss; however, it is not sufficient. At some point we must speak words of truth, but do so in love for their comfort and the nurturing of their faith in Christ (Eph 4:15). Make sure your words are saturated by God’s words, but not in a preachy manner or tone. Gentleness is better (1 Tim 6:11). There may come a time for stronger exhortation, later down the road, but be careful, if that time comes, that you speak for their benefit, not simply to make yourself feel better for getting something off your chest. Come alongside them with God’s words of promise (see 1 Thess 4:18 for an example of how this is intended to work), comfort (2 Cor 1:3-4) and compassion (Col 3:12) in a timely manner (Eph 4:29).

Quote of the Day

“A man may study because his brain is hungry for knowledge, even Bible knowledge. But he prays because his soul is hungry for God.”

– Leonard Ravenhill

How To Be A Miserable Comforter

Apart from the suffering of Jesus on the cross of Calvary the book of Job is the best biblical illustration of human suffering. In a few moments’ time Job, a great man of the east, lost all of his wealth (which was massive), his physical property, and his ten children. Though imperfect (he was human) Job’s response of persevering faith in the God who is sovereign—while Job was in the midst of his suffering—is exemplary (James 5:11). In his example there is much positive instruction about trusting in God’s sovereignty and living by raw faith that endures deep pain. We all love to have examples to follow—good ones. Therefore, we are thankful for Job.

But there is also an important element of negative instruction in the book of Job. The horrendous one-another ministry of Job’s so-called “counselors” is a bad example for us to recognize, learn from, but definitely not follow. His three friends’ lack of compassion and comforting words are appalling. Their lack of consideration was treacherous. However, they had a deeper problem. They had bad theology, which was chiefly driven by a hyper-active connection between sin and suffering. They always saw a connection between a person’s suffering and their personal sin. As a result, sadly, Job was accurate when he referred to these men as “sorry comforters” (16:2).

As we desire to minister grace and truth as we counsel one another it can occasionally be profitable to take a glance at bad examples of counselors. So, let’s do that. Let’s see what it looks like to take the fast track to becoming a hard-hearted counselor. If you want to be a miserable comforter then…

Be like Counselor Eliphaz.

• Automatically assume that sin is the cause of your friend’s suffering and, therefore, God’s hand of corrective discipline is upon them, that the death of his children is somehow his fault (Ch. 4-5).
• When your spiritual friend who is experiencing deep suffering tries to explain his situation to you, assume he is just putting spin on his story in order to justify himself. Tell him he is full of the wind and will ultimately come to destruction anyway because he is so wicked (Ch. 15).
• Be sure to remind him that he is a great sinner who is greedy, cruel, and needs to get right with God. Leave no room for grace (Ch. 22).

Be like Counselor Bildad.

• Conclude that—because the wicked do not ultimately prosper—your friend is wicked and be sure to tell him that in case he has forgotten (Ch. 8).
• Only use fear to motivate him to change by repeatedly drawing his attention to the destruction of the wicked (Ch. 18).
• When you run out of things to say then revert to name-calling; maggot is always a pretty good choice (Ch. 25).

Be like Counselor Zophar.

• Have no mercy upon the sufferer and don’t empathize with his difficult situation. If he dares to open his heart to you—revealing his deepest doubts and fears—don’t give him a patient listening ear followed by gentle, probing questions. Instead, tell him he talks too much (after all, he is just whining), is lying, and only getting half of what he deserves anyway, therefore, he should repent (Ch. 11).
• Be sure to remind him that he will suffer the fate of the wicked man. Whatever you do, don’t give him hope (Ch. 20).

In a nutshell, if you want to be a sorry comforter, nurture a hyper-active connection between personal sin and every form of suffering and be sure to remind your spiritual friends that they are the ultimate cause of their suffering (that they are sovereign) and that the one word answer is always “Repent!”

The Absolute Necessity of Repentance

You live in a world of cheating, imposition, and deception. Let no man deceive you about the necessity of repentance. Oh, that professing Christians would see, and know, and feel, more than they do—the necessity, the absolute necessity, of true repentance towards God! There are many things which are not needful. Riches are not needful. Health is not needful. Fine clothes are not needful. Noble friends are not needful. The favor of the world is not needful. Gifts and learning are not needful. Millions have reached heaven without these things. Thousands are reaching heaven every year without them. But no one ever reached heaven without “repentance toward God, and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ.”

~ J.C. Ryle